I have wanted to say this for the longest time, I have mauled it over and decided with the help of this well known day that today is the day.
I am not ok. But there is nothing wrong with not being ok.
I have answered questions with I'm fine or good or ok my entire life.
Hidden the true thoughts bouncing around in my head "I'm struggling", "I need help" "Somethings wrong but I don't know what to do about it"
But tonight this blog post does not have much to do with my dark clouds.
This post is a giant thankyou to the universe and quite a few people that have helped in all ways imaginable.
Some of you have known me my whole life, some for years, others merely a few months:
You've watched me fail, succeed, get angry at life and myself, you witnessed my massive highs and disaster lows.
You have challenged me, supported me, fought me, fought with me and for me. You have done everything you possibly could without forcing me.
You have cried with me, held me when I panicked, given me the space needed, asked me to come out even if you knew I wouldn't go, laughed with me, celebrated with me, you have encouraged and you have waited silently for me to acknowledge things I've ignored for too long.
Most of you haven't always been able to catch me or stop me when I was falling but you are the 1st reaching out your hand for when I am ready to pull myself out of the hole I am in.
Thankyou for all that you have done whether it was intentional or not. Thankyou for listening to me, holding me up, advising me, thankyou for drinking with me, going out of your way to make sure I was eating, sleeping, medicating, relaxing, doing enough.
Thankyou for making me laugh or see the other side of things. For the lunches/dinners/outings you've given me no choice but to attend.
Thankyou for understanding when I've cancelled plans with you- it wasn't anything you did, my head was simply not in it that day.
Thankyou for spamming me with endless messages even if it took me ages to respond.
An unfortunate casuality of dark clouds is the loss of kindness and in some sad cases friendships begin breaking down.
Its not a persons fault that they can't always handle a friends dark moments or times lasted, but im most cases friendships end when they are meant to end- Dark clouds can attribute but shouldn't be the main reason.
As much as it hurts to say this but from the friendships forged and in cases lost the truths really began to come to light as my light began to dim. Unfortunately it was time for me to accept and move on, being supported by those willing to support me anyway.
So I am grateful and continue to be so for every one of you still here. I cannot tell you what it means to me that I have you. I can be the worst person at times, but I always need you to remind me I am not the worst I'm just in need of a hand.
Know that while I might not be shiny or sparkling right now or not quite be OK, I will always attempt to be there for you when times get difficult because I know how hard it is to see the bigger picture sometimes.
I love you. I am grateful for you. I will continue to fight to be more than OK.
I still have a long road ahead of me, I might always be fighting- there is no limit to time or the advancement in growth for myself but I am truly thankful for your friendship, kindness, understanding and love.
Most of all thankyou for being you.
Check your loved ones, check your workmates. Start by asking R U OK?
Sending positive vibes and love to those still struggling, and to all those that have come so far in this life. Mostly to all those who have sadly lost their fight- may you be filled with endless love and send whatevers left to those who loved you.
Xx
I am not ok. But there is nothing wrong with not being ok.
I have answered questions with I'm fine or good or ok my entire life.
Hidden the true thoughts bouncing around in my head "I'm struggling", "I need help" "Somethings wrong but I don't know what to do about it"
But tonight this blog post does not have much to do with my dark clouds.
This post is a giant thankyou to the universe and quite a few people that have helped in all ways imaginable.
Some of you have known me my whole life, some for years, others merely a few months:
You've watched me fail, succeed, get angry at life and myself, you witnessed my massive highs and disaster lows.
You have challenged me, supported me, fought me, fought with me and for me. You have done everything you possibly could without forcing me.
You have cried with me, held me when I panicked, given me the space needed, asked me to come out even if you knew I wouldn't go, laughed with me, celebrated with me, you have encouraged and you have waited silently for me to acknowledge things I've ignored for too long.
Most of you haven't always been able to catch me or stop me when I was falling but you are the 1st reaching out your hand for when I am ready to pull myself out of the hole I am in.
Thankyou for all that you have done whether it was intentional or not. Thankyou for listening to me, holding me up, advising me, thankyou for drinking with me, going out of your way to make sure I was eating, sleeping, medicating, relaxing, doing enough.
Thankyou for making me laugh or see the other side of things. For the lunches/dinners/outings you've given me no choice but to attend.
Thankyou for understanding when I've cancelled plans with you- it wasn't anything you did, my head was simply not in it that day.
Thankyou for spamming me with endless messages even if it took me ages to respond.
An unfortunate casuality of dark clouds is the loss of kindness and in some sad cases friendships begin breaking down.
Its not a persons fault that they can't always handle a friends dark moments or times lasted, but im most cases friendships end when they are meant to end- Dark clouds can attribute but shouldn't be the main reason.
As much as it hurts to say this but from the friendships forged and in cases lost the truths really began to come to light as my light began to dim. Unfortunately it was time for me to accept and move on, being supported by those willing to support me anyway.
So I am grateful and continue to be so for every one of you still here. I cannot tell you what it means to me that I have you. I can be the worst person at times, but I always need you to remind me I am not the worst I'm just in need of a hand.
Know that while I might not be shiny or sparkling right now or not quite be OK, I will always attempt to be there for you when times get difficult because I know how hard it is to see the bigger picture sometimes.
I love you. I am grateful for you. I will continue to fight to be more than OK.
I still have a long road ahead of me, I might always be fighting- there is no limit to time or the advancement in growth for myself but I am truly thankful for your friendship, kindness, understanding and love.
Most of all thankyou for being you.
Check your loved ones, check your workmates. Start by asking R U OK?
Sending positive vibes and love to those still struggling, and to all those that have come so far in this life. Mostly to all those who have sadly lost their fight- may you be filled with endless love and send whatevers left to those who loved you.
Xx
You are a shining star in a world shadowed by negativity and nastiness. You restore my faith in the human race, continue to shine even on the darkest of days xx
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