As I look towards my next birthday excitedly, unashamedly I have been thinking about the notions I had as child to where my life would be at this exact moment and I am left with some disappointment, some sadness, some surprises, and of course some appreciation. So tonight I thought I'd share these few with you while also putting words down that I rarely say to anyone.
I didn't make it into musical theatre, or veterinary school. But to this day I'm still singing for my happy place and that was one of my top fears as a kid, that I'd lose that feeling. Come along to one of my many choir performances or view videos on youtube and you'll see exactly what I mean.
I'm not married with four kids yet (thank goodness) At 5 years old, 24 is the oldest you'll be to have kids and while my ovaries scream when I see a baby, or hold a baby, or see a mum taking her child for their first swim... (babies babies babies) I know that I am not in a position in my life to support myself nor anyone else. Babies and children will be in my future I can absolutely say this without a shadow of a doubt with or without sharing it with my partner/whatever.
I want kids. I want them more than mostly anything really, so the how in which I finally have them may seem crazy to some but if a donor happens to be the creative force, I won't care.
I don't own a house and probably won't for years to come. I'll get there one day but until then I am thankful to my parents for continuously letting me have a roof over my head.
Never in my wildest dreams had I have thought about the industry I'm working in and adore.
Yes most people call it an easy transition, being that my brother is autistic and all... but while that may have been a small thought early on, I'm now believing wholeheartedly that I was always meant to do this. When it comes to helping people I'm first to jump in to help, its my nature always has been and always will.
I tell my friends and family that I love them, as many times and in as many ways as I can.
Ask me why and I'll tell you. I am grateful for all the people in my life. They see every part of me and still want to know me.
Birthdays, Christmas's, breakups, cheer ups, random love I'll tell you exactly how I feel about you. All the amazing talents you have and how much I love you.
But something you mightn't know about me, while I am the soppy cry at your wedding/engagement/birthday speeches/genuine love kind of girl. Never have I told a partner the three apparently small words of I Love You. That is not to say that I am incapable of love, every one of my closest friends and family know how loving I can be.
Sure I've had my heartbroken, there's no doubt about that. Simply because I was waiting to say it or wasn't ready to voice it.
But still people are somehow shocked or annoyed that I've never said it, am I selfish or am I cold and distant?
I can't say that I haven't been feeling like saying it, in fact I've come quite close.
Truth?
My idea of love has been skewed most of my life. The people I'm supposed to want to emulate are my parents, but I can't.
Divorce isn't a thing in my house. The most common thing that occurs when a couple have a child with a disability is that it will go 1 of 3 ways. Divorce. Stronger commitment. But the 3rd is the way I've known since the age of about 6. It is by far the worst, because while almost all my friends and family post the congratulations on 20/30/40/50+ years of marriage on facebook or post pictures of their parents looking blissfully happy, simply trying to get my family in a room together for longer than 30mins and somehow surviving are a feat in itself. St the age of 7 I had already decided that I didn't want the kind of love my parents have. I knew that I needed something far greater.
Being together for the kids can be more damaging on the child without autism then anyone ever predicted and in my case its true.
The child with autism doesn't know that its not normal for parents to sleep in different rooms or vanishing whenever possible on weekends and holidays.
The child without* however sees her friends parents holding hands or getting along beautifully and something in the back of that kids mind is that they don't get that at home. When unknowing people comment on how amazing your parents are for staying together, the kid feels like screaming that they don't get along anymore or you can't remember the last time your parents smiled at each other simply because they love each other but for the fact that their children have done something wonderful.
Love isn't there. Respect isn't there. Kindness isn't there.
So when it comes to saying those three apparently simple words I choke. I'm afraid that it won't be the love I see shared between other couples because I haven't known that kind of love. The sweep you off your feet, butterflies in your chest, warm feeling, stardust kind of love and saying those three words can't guarantee that those wonderful feeling of love will stay and simply put you aren't even sure that you could handle it if you no longer had that kind of love.
I can't help but look away sometimes when my friends find the amazing kind of love, not because of jealously or envy. Its because it hurts my every being to not have experienced that love in return.
I will cry on your wedding day.
I will cry with pure joy and happiness that that kind of love still exists.
Will I ever find that love? Who knows!
But one thing is for sure. No matter what happens I'll keep searching for that kind of love and hope to get it back someday.
Regardless of that I'll still embrace some of my childhood plans while letting go of others.
So that's me. Another blog post.
Thankyou to those people actually taking the time to read this little blog of mine.
Xx
*In no way am I declaring that all siblings feel that way, but its the way I have felt for very close the 20years. *
I didn't make it into musical theatre, or veterinary school. But to this day I'm still singing for my happy place and that was one of my top fears as a kid, that I'd lose that feeling. Come along to one of my many choir performances or view videos on youtube and you'll see exactly what I mean.
I'm not married with four kids yet (thank goodness) At 5 years old, 24 is the oldest you'll be to have kids and while my ovaries scream when I see a baby, or hold a baby, or see a mum taking her child for their first swim... (babies babies babies) I know that I am not in a position in my life to support myself nor anyone else. Babies and children will be in my future I can absolutely say this without a shadow of a doubt with or without sharing it with my partner/whatever.
I want kids. I want them more than mostly anything really, so the how in which I finally have them may seem crazy to some but if a donor happens to be the creative force, I won't care.
I don't own a house and probably won't for years to come. I'll get there one day but until then I am thankful to my parents for continuously letting me have a roof over my head.
Never in my wildest dreams had I have thought about the industry I'm working in and adore.
Yes most people call it an easy transition, being that my brother is autistic and all... but while that may have been a small thought early on, I'm now believing wholeheartedly that I was always meant to do this. When it comes to helping people I'm first to jump in to help, its my nature always has been and always will.
I tell my friends and family that I love them, as many times and in as many ways as I can.
Ask me why and I'll tell you. I am grateful for all the people in my life. They see every part of me and still want to know me.
Birthdays, Christmas's, breakups, cheer ups, random love I'll tell you exactly how I feel about you. All the amazing talents you have and how much I love you.
But something you mightn't know about me, while I am the soppy cry at your wedding/engagement/birthday speeches/genuine love kind of girl. Never have I told a partner the three apparently small words of I Love You. That is not to say that I am incapable of love, every one of my closest friends and family know how loving I can be.
Sure I've had my heartbroken, there's no doubt about that. Simply because I was waiting to say it or wasn't ready to voice it.
But still people are somehow shocked or annoyed that I've never said it, am I selfish or am I cold and distant?
I can't say that I haven't been feeling like saying it, in fact I've come quite close.
Truth?
My idea of love has been skewed most of my life. The people I'm supposed to want to emulate are my parents, but I can't.
Divorce isn't a thing in my house. The most common thing that occurs when a couple have a child with a disability is that it will go 1 of 3 ways. Divorce. Stronger commitment. But the 3rd is the way I've known since the age of about 6. It is by far the worst, because while almost all my friends and family post the congratulations on 20/30/40/50+ years of marriage on facebook or post pictures of their parents looking blissfully happy, simply trying to get my family in a room together for longer than 30mins and somehow surviving are a feat in itself. St the age of 7 I had already decided that I didn't want the kind of love my parents have. I knew that I needed something far greater.
Being together for the kids can be more damaging on the child without autism then anyone ever predicted and in my case its true.
The child with autism doesn't know that its not normal for parents to sleep in different rooms or vanishing whenever possible on weekends and holidays.
The child without* however sees her friends parents holding hands or getting along beautifully and something in the back of that kids mind is that they don't get that at home. When unknowing people comment on how amazing your parents are for staying together, the kid feels like screaming that they don't get along anymore or you can't remember the last time your parents smiled at each other simply because they love each other but for the fact that their children have done something wonderful.
Love isn't there. Respect isn't there. Kindness isn't there.
So when it comes to saying those three apparently simple words I choke. I'm afraid that it won't be the love I see shared between other couples because I haven't known that kind of love. The sweep you off your feet, butterflies in your chest, warm feeling, stardust kind of love and saying those three words can't guarantee that those wonderful feeling of love will stay and simply put you aren't even sure that you could handle it if you no longer had that kind of love.
I can't help but look away sometimes when my friends find the amazing kind of love, not because of jealously or envy. Its because it hurts my every being to not have experienced that love in return.
I will cry on your wedding day.
I will cry with pure joy and happiness that that kind of love still exists.
Will I ever find that love? Who knows!
But one thing is for sure. No matter what happens I'll keep searching for that kind of love and hope to get it back someday.
Regardless of that I'll still embrace some of my childhood plans while letting go of others.
So that's me. Another blog post.
Thankyou to those people actually taking the time to read this little blog of mine.
Xx
*In no way am I declaring that all siblings feel that way, but its the way I have felt for very close the 20years. *
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