Pick me. Chose me. Love me.

I'm OK with being alone.

It may sound like a crazy statement, it may sound a little sad. Its a thought I've been juggling on and off for a while.

Being in a relationship can be difficult. 

   I haven't had much luck, its not necessarily a comment on myself nor of my previous partners, its just never worked out. Being single more than being in a relationship would drive me nuts a few years ago, I would wonder what I was doing wrong? If I was different somehow would it work?

 Those questions never helped, In fact those questions left me devastated. So a long time ago I made a promise to myself to stop thinking with the mindset that I wasn't good enough, strong enough, caring enough, pretty enough. Those ideas and thoughts made me sad and angry, Definitely not me.

I don't like feeling sad or feeling sorry for myself in any shape or form in any part of my life, its not who I am.

There is enough negativity out in the world without me adding to it.

 Positive thoughts and energy is all I want to put out to the world. That's how my friends describe me. I'm the happy, silver lining, ray of sunshine, positive thinking nutball. That everyone loves...

Its always been said that the happiest people are sometimes the loneliest and saddest. This thought or idea worries some of my friends because I'm almost never sad or lonely in front of anyone.

Truth? I've fought my demons with a smile on my face. I still am at war sometimes with keeping the darkness from taking me over.

But I am pleased to say how little I've required help in fighting my demons. *Noted I am not saying that anyone who can't fight their demons alone are somehow less motivated or not strong enough, I just feel I know I need to rely on my friends and family but I also need to rely on me. I need to be able to fight these feelings on my own and when I can't I know my dearest of friends are there to pick me up.

Over the last few months I've done things, chose things, said things that have shocked my friends simply for the fact that I wouldn't do these things normally. As its been described, I've fallen down the rabbit hole and come out into madness and nonsense. Rebecca's odd wonderland.

I can't explain why some thoughts have been upside down or backwards, I can't even tell you what caused it. I can only guess that my emotions were so intense over the year that I simply had to switch into a mindset I've never really used and that's shocked people, more often than not its surprised me also.

  My decisions were pure, sometimes even without thought for anyone but me. Sounds selfish, but most of the time my thoughts and actions are for everyone but myself and I love that about myself. For some reason of which I still don't understand, that that was what I needed. I was not selfish to hurt others or cause pain, it just came down to me doing things for me and only me. To be honest I had to do it to get back to my happy, back to light.

With that said it made me do a bit of thinking. Becoming more and more stable & back to my happy place.

As much as I love the comment: 'there's someone amazing out there just for you. There's plenty of fish in the sea' etc.

   Quite frankly I want to scream in someones face when they say that. 

  I'm not into looking for more fish in the sea and why are romantic partners considered fish?!? If there is someone amazing or my soul mate or whatever, why don't they look for me instead?!

Why is it that every single girl is seen or thought of as sad, alone, or better yet not attractive or 'must be a lesbian'? Why is every male considered a player or always getting some?

Some are single by choice, some because they don't feel ready to date, some have had terrible or horrifying things happen to them, others simply just don't know. 

 But why is being single seen as such a depressing thing. Better yet, why is being OK with that seem so foreign?

Which brings me back to my original point;

I'm OK with being alone.

Not that I am saying I want to be lonely or with no one.

 What I want with that comment is by no means wanting to be a crazy cat lady (ducks or dogs I'd rather)

  What I mean by being alone is that as much as being single can suck. Being treated badly or feeling truly alone can suck far worse.

So as it stands I want to put this out into the universe. On this blog as well...

I am fine with the idea of not being in a relationship. Over my dating life relationships have almost always been difficult or extremely sad. Great but they end with me feeling hurt and not good enough and that is not OK.

 Constantly getting on and off the relationship roller coaster is truthfully exhausting for me, maybe some people aren't meant to be good at it.. Who In the heck knows??

   

Most people know my brother has grown up with autism.  I'm not ashamed of this. In reality my family has grown up with autism as it doesn't just affect the one diagnosed with it. There's so many things my brother won't experience, living alone nor independently. He will always need to be supported and that's what also comes into the equation of this opinion of mine.

God forbid when my parents can no longer care for him, I will become his permanent carer. My family are very vocal on the idea that I have my own life and need to think of myself, that they will help in settling my brother into care... but what none of my family except maybe my dad has realised is that having my own life includes my brother, and considering care is not an option. Because its me and Pete against the world. Always has been. Always will be. I couldn't imagine being separated from my best mate. 

  Which is how this decision or opinion can be in my mind, whether hidden or vocalised.

No matter what I will not be on my own. Unfortunately not many people can easily digest this.

Asking someone to accept their partners 'disabled*' relative into the couples life plans is a massive thing to ask of your significant other. Too many of us when faced with this thought aren't equipped to handle the situation. Its a huge thing to think about. Very few are OK to stay for that idea. There's not even a handful of my friends that are OK with that thought, and that's perfectly reasonable!! It is a very tough decision to make, its not down to them being selfish or against disability, its just something they've never been in that situation and as I've said many many times to my friends if the universe had decided to give my family a 'normal**' son and daughter, would I be able to accept that kind of responsibility? ?

I can't answer that question, the same goes for if I happened to find out my future children were in some way 'disabled*' would I be able to handle it? 

I mean I know it sounds rough but what if my child was set to have defects I've never experienced would I be able to cope?

Fact is I don't know. Maybe because of my experiences I'd be more OK with the idea, heck my child could be born with extra limbs and I'd love them regardless, but that's me talking from outside the situation.

I am OK with living without a significant other. I'm in no way saying 'I hate men' or anything like that. If my knight in shining armour happens to appear then fantastic.

But if not? That's OK too. 

I know deep down that I would be more than OK. I could be content with being in my own, and being single for so long has proved that more often than not. 

 Sure that means that I'd have to clean my house by myself, and I'd have to figure out how to change a faucet or build difficult things, that's what hire a hubby or youtube is for isn't it?!?! :p

  

The comment of "I'm OK with being alone"

Really rattled my best friends, because they were concerned about my state of mind. They truly are my stability in life, more than anything else my friends and family are always there. Even when I make the dumbest choices or act out of character or even annoy the absolute shit out of everyone I know they are there supporting me all the way. Sure best friends are meant to tell you the honest truth even when it means you might ignore them and do it anyway. But more than anything when everything blows up in my face they have my back without question. 

I am truly blessed to have the friends and family I have. Their love is unconditional. As is mine.

When it comes down to it sure I'd love to be swept off my feet by my knight in shining armour, instead of being ignored and left out.

But if that doesn't happen because they won't make me a priority well then I don't need a knight. I don't need a man wrapped in tin foil either. That's perfectly fine to feel that way. ^Best friends don't freak out about this comment either :P

 Some may ask about how would I have children, and my answer is that if you don't know how to have children without actually giving birth you need to pull your head out of the sand! There's many many many options out there nowadays to have children so its not like I'm limited by choice. Besides my friends and family will have one pretty awesome Cousin/Aunty Bec for their children!!

These are my thoughts written down and considered. In no way will I give up on the idea of another person loving me fully***. I am simply stating that I would be more than OK with the love I have already.

Don't forget to send love and positivity out into the universe. It may do some good.

 * I dislike using that term but i will use lightly to show my point a bit better.

** Again dislike.

*** I mean in the falling backwards, "pick me, chose me, love me" endless kind of love.

xx