Sometimes I don't want to be me.
The shy, anxious, weak, lost me, what I can't seem to find the other side terrifies me.
Some days I wake with a smile on my face, and have it remain all day.
Most days however... I don't wake happy. I'm not happy as of late and its really starting to show now more than ever.
I've been through high levels of anxiety my whole life, and its usually so easy to deal with! I go for a walk, I sleep more, I read more, I put it as far back in my mind as it will allow me to.
But of late It's affecting my health. Its a natural occurrence.. Stressing about work, Tafe, friends, family, Single, single, single... life in general really. But Its always just a phase...
I'm not sleeping, my appetite (which is all over the place normally anyway) is non existent. My moods are all over the shop, one minute I'm happy and can stay that way for a very long time, but then there are days I wish simply weren't so difficult. Then there's the distancing from my friends. But I refuse to go to a doctor, because they've only ever provided meds to hide away again... which leave me worse off than where I started in the first place!
What I wouldn't do for a holiday!!! Just to get into my car and drive to a beach, and just breathe. It has never been that easy. Instead I go out with my friends, and usually I drink too much... And sometimes that's a very big issue.
So this time I'm not going to just push the anxiety back into my head, this time I'm all in. This stops now. No more am I going to stand around and let fear get the better of me. This time is when I catch up with my friends as many times as I can, even if its just for half an hour, even if its a simple phone call.
I'm not going to listen to my mum when she asks if she's fat or if I'm skinnier than her *errmm mum seriously? Or when she announces how much luck some people have at meeting boyfriends/fiances/husbands etc..
I'm not going to stress about always being single. Being single is hard. Fixing this is harder.
I want to be that girl that walks into a room and makes a guy think: I want to be with her, I want to be around her. (corny right?)
These last few days I've hung out with amazing people, and the anxiety is lower than it has been over the last few months. And I plan to keep it that way (: I can't wait for the next few days/weeks as I get to see my friends, I get to be me.
xx
The shy, anxious, weak, lost me, what I can't seem to find the other side terrifies me.
Some days I wake with a smile on my face, and have it remain all day.
Most days however... I don't wake happy. I'm not happy as of late and its really starting to show now more than ever.
I've been through high levels of anxiety my whole life, and its usually so easy to deal with! I go for a walk, I sleep more, I read more, I put it as far back in my mind as it will allow me to.
But of late It's affecting my health. Its a natural occurrence.. Stressing about work, Tafe, friends, family, Single, single, single... life in general really. But Its always just a phase...
I'm not sleeping, my appetite (which is all over the place normally anyway) is non existent. My moods are all over the shop, one minute I'm happy and can stay that way for a very long time, but then there are days I wish simply weren't so difficult. Then there's the distancing from my friends. But I refuse to go to a doctor, because they've only ever provided meds to hide away again... which leave me worse off than where I started in the first place!
What I wouldn't do for a holiday!!! Just to get into my car and drive to a beach, and just breathe. It has never been that easy. Instead I go out with my friends, and usually I drink too much... And sometimes that's a very big issue.
So this time I'm not going to just push the anxiety back into my head, this time I'm all in. This stops now. No more am I going to stand around and let fear get the better of me. This time is when I catch up with my friends as many times as I can, even if its just for half an hour, even if its a simple phone call.
I'm not going to listen to my mum when she asks if she's fat or if I'm skinnier than her *errmm mum seriously? Or when she announces how much luck some people have at meeting boyfriends/fiances/husbands etc..
I'm not going to stress about always being single. Being single is hard. Fixing this is harder.
I want to be that girl that walks into a room and makes a guy think: I want to be with her, I want to be around her. (corny right?)
These last few days I've hung out with amazing people, and the anxiety is lower than it has been over the last few months. And I plan to keep it that way (: I can't wait for the next few days/weeks as I get to see my friends, I get to be me.
xx
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