Is it meant to look like this?
Oh no! It looks like that.
Oh no! It looks like that.
How many times have you been asked that question?
*Now this may end up a 2 parter. When it comes to this topic I'm extremely evasive, not because I don't like discussing it, I'm evasive because the thought of saying things makes them real. The look I expect to see on the persons face, the face my family gets, my closest friends get. Those are usually better than that of friends/co workers/extended family or strangers... but equally terrifying in all instances. On advice from certain individuals this post was to express everything going through my head. This process is long and terrifying so naturally this has been re written or re read more times than I'd like to admit, sadly I've wanted to delete everything and crawl under a rock, but that's only hurting me more... So my advice to myself is to breathe. Know that you are capable and everything is all good... Here goes *
What I've come to realise is that being evasive doesn't help me. It doesn't make things easier or harder, it just makes things open. For discussion, for recovery, for honesty.
When most people are asked what depression or anxiety looks like,
they respond with this:
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| (Via Depression: The Misunderstood Epidemic youtube) |
Of course now is the time that I dare you to ask someone diagnosed with anxiety or depression.. do they seriously give you that face?
In truth, the friend you see every second weekend might have it. A family member who's the one that organises all the gatherings might have it. The regular commuter you sit next to on the train everyday might have it.
I dare you to walk up to a friend and ask what depression looks like.
Depression might look or be assumed to always look like this.
But more often than not it looks like this:
Look how happy I look. Looks like I couldn't be happier.... Right?
What you didn't see was the panic that had risen in my chest when I got up that morning.
Another day, another struggle.
What you didn't see was the panic that had risen in my chest when I got up that morning.
Another day, another struggle.
Panic attacks are debilitating. For me it starts as a little stressed out. My brain fogs, palms sweat, I can't sit still, my mouth is dry no matter how much I hydrate. My muscles are heavy, my bones weigh a tonne. Breathing normally isn't happening, its shallow and quick, like all of a sudden it'll cease to exist.
Walking into a supermarket, driving my car, working, talking to friends, reading a book, hugging my dog. Panic attacks are not caused by anything in particular for me. Up until recently the attacks have been for no understandable reason. But how many have been caught by those around me? I'm guessing the numbers quite miniscule.
What hardly anyone knows is that all you see is that I'm quiet or distracted. I'm trying to slow my heart rate, to catch my breath, to continue standing/sitting up straight/to seem engaged in the conversation even though I want to scream, to hide the fear to not let that tear fall and the panic that invades every part of my body and my soul. I'm trying to keep myself from cracking.
You ask what's up? Or what are you thinking? I answer with a lame comment (the sky) or sometimes I respond with a simple "nothing" inside my head I'm yelling 'I can't do this right now. I'm not ok. I'm thinking of how easy it would be to go swimming and just never come back out of the water. Oh look every things really blurry and muffled because some part of my brain was trying to reset during my panic attack.'
"How are you?"
Its become too common of us to simply and automatically answer 'good or fine' especially if you have the same thoughts I do. I don't want to look at someone and say I'm scared or I'm exhausted beyond all reasoning.
That it took 3 hours to get out of bed this morning or getting dressed seemed pointless today, the night before I had a nightmare so clear and so long I'm afraid to fall asleep because I have had that dream consistently. Yeah no one wants to hear that.
That'll gurantee that they'll give the 'oh I'm feeling sorry for you' or the 'oh jeez what now?' Or the wtf' face.
The face that says you've failed again. Failed as a friend, a daughter, sister, mother, employee, as a person. Because there's something wrong with you.
On average it takes a person under 20mins to fall asleep. Most nights it'll take hours for me, and I certainly won't make it through the night without waking up multiple times for upwards of an hour. That's not 'typical'.
Sure its the middle of winter and beds so warm and comfy or your partner has wrestled or convinced you for 10 more minutes. You still get out of bed don't you? Some days I sleep the whole day through because its exhaustingly draining trying to convince myself its in my best interests to get out of bed, to accept the day for what it is. A new day.
On the days that I have to get up sometimes my alarm has to be set and reset numerous times to give me enough time to deal with the fact that I have to get dressed this morning or I actually can't choose to not leave the house today.
I yo-yo between being starving to having to force feed myself because I haven't felt hungry all day, all week, all month.
Do you still want to know what I'm really thinking??
That girl that dolls herself up for that party or that thing or that photo and smiles pleasantly at everyone had numerous panic attacks in the lead up to this, because for the hundredth time today she's thought she wasn't good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, strong enough. The smile is fake. Its a mask. A lifeline.
I'm loud because the voices are trying to drown me.
I cry for no reason or a million reasons, but not because I'm female. I'm scared. I'm scared I won't make it another hour another night, another day. I'm terrified that someone will catch me off guard, will catch that 'I'm good' lie. My brain turned against me and now I can't stop thinking about sad things, or hurtful things I've said to myself or people have said to me, or nothing at all. I miss profoundly and sometimes I'm so angry I need to pull away.
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| (Via Pinterest) |
My mind is sometimes so foggy I can't concentrate.
Sure drinking is a great idea. But the voices are so mean and degrading today I'll drink that little bit more to numb everything. Dumb choices happen. Do I regret them? Not everything.
That person I was so close to is now just a memory, and while I understand its sad, you don't understand that I crave that person more than most people would and the sheer loss of them scares me.
*update I slept on the other side of my bed the other night... Not out of choice, one of my best friends was fast asleep on my side from a night of drinking (Both of us) and I couldn't bear to try and explain that... Noted- Didn't sleep. See what I mean? What feels like a few months seems like a lifetime to me and I'm still not OK. Tonight I'll go back to sleeping on my side again attempting to ignore the emptiness on the other side*
You know what happens when someone pushes me out of my comfort zone? Panic attacks. But some days or moments I fight back, because I have been surrounded by the people who consistently build me up.
They never falter in their belief of me, even when I've lost belief in myself. The ones who I can truly trust with everything, nothing gets screened from them, its all truth. All joy. All love.
I'm not saying these are everyday occurrences. I can be truly happy and fun and loud and silly and thoughtful and adventurous. I randomly burst into song or dance.
Those closest know exactly how much my happy is exploding and when. They know my bluffs.
Lately I've become acutely aware of the fact that I cannot continue to hide. But I need to be understood.
I've sort help from professionals that know my history. They know how I function, how my mind works. They know how to help clear the clouds when I can't do it myself.
So even if its medication or working out, its not about keeping myself alive. Its about keeping me. Well me.
So even if its medication or working out, its not about keeping myself alive. Its about keeping me. Well me.
Its not caused by anyone or any particular event. There are triggers and if you say you know me well I need not explain.
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| Via Pinterest |
I'm freaking going to Europe in less than 2 weeks!!
I am still living in everyway I can.
I celebrate everything good. I try anyway...
Please be patient. Please be kind. Please understand that I still care. Don't think you can't still come to me for help. Please don't treat me like I'm precious. Don't try and change me. Its bad enough that some part of my DNA is attacking me, now I have to listen to you doing it to?
Am I sorry some may be offended? Absolutely not. Because those people haven't seen my cry for help, they want to ignore it.
Well I'm here to say save your breath.
Bitch to whomever you feel, but watch yourself.
Its really easy for something to come back to bite you on the arse eventually.
Its high school 101.
Please feel free to distance as much as you feel necessary. Please don't back away because you feel you might catch it, I'm not a disease. Please don't pretend you care. Please if you want to know just ask.
If you want to tell me your fears and that you are scared or concerned, because god knows it is scary. Let me reassure you in my own way. Don't make a big deal about it. Just be you and I'll try being me.
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| Via Pinterest |
But remember that I'm a person. Trying to figure out how to live. How to be.
Is this clear enough?
Xx
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