Sometimes I'm so sad that I scare myself.
But I don't want to tell anyone this.
Why?
If people knew they would think I'm damaged in some way.
If I told someone what really was running through my head on a day to day basis, even minute to minute people would treat me like I'm broken or worse; That I'm contagious.
Truth is; I don't tell anyone because sometimes I can't believe that I am capable being 'functional'
I rarely admit that I don't think that I'll make it through the day, that keeping the 'happiness parade' up will ruin me.
This blog 'This world I live in' was always meant to be a place to write my thoughts, a place I could be honest and without fear of judgement. I have even managed to lie to this blog.
Yes 99% of my blog is me, that 1% that says I'm fine all the time isn't really fine at all.
The best way I can write about everything is to put it down to some easy terminology;
In my head I have clouds.
White fluffy, warm, light, pure, good, space invader type of clouds - I'm truly happy, everything's right with 'my world' nothing could taint it, loves hugs, lasts for a very long amount of time and can drive away almost all of the clouds.
Grey, a bit breezy, slightly heavy but tiny in size type of clouds, likes to try to make me grey - The typical 'I'm having a bad day' never lasts long, usually gets hugged out by the white clouds (My armour), Sometimes even the slightly heavy clouds will join forces with my armour to fight off the darkest of clouds.
Dark, cold, drowning, smothering, hostile, unwavering, world weighted, merciless, thundering clouds - All consuming, my functioning stops. Can last for as long as it feels because they've taken hostage of my armour. Will never fully destroy my armour though, they understand they don't exsist without the other, its a ledership battle only one will be victorious, but eventally someone else will win.
And the darkness. Its not a cloud, its not good. The darkness sucks out everything and leaves nothing.
Right now. My armour clouds are under attack.
The feelings or thoughts (or whatever else they are) brought by my clouds are usually clear.
I can tell when my white clouds are hugging every part of my soul. I can see when the grey clouds are moving in, I can see when they are gone.
The dark clouds can move without warning, they have a sneaky way of invading everything, its almost like they latch themselves onto the grey clouds and attack the white as my armour begins to hug away the grey. Its there the Dark starts taking over. My armour puts up a hell of a fight though. They've seen the damage before and they won't have it happen again, usually they find an upper hand to use to break free and spread the hugs.
The darkness hasn't gotten to do anything in a long time. It's on a war path that won't go away.
My armour white have teamed up with the grey and are trying desperately to get the dark to co-operate, but the darkness sucks everything away.
Hiding in my safe place, hiding with my eyes shut tight.
The things people think about when it comes to sadness or that word that has floated around me for a number of years off and on... * Noted I don't like to admit my body and mind turn on me from time to time. That just gives it a name.*
People think of tears, self harm, sad moods.
What most don't actually realise is that yes these are some things that occur, but its the little things before all these that no one thinks about.
Have you ever woken up and wanted to stay in bed where its nice and warm?
You got up eventually though didn't you? There was a rational thought that made you get up and get on with your day.
Have you ever woken up and couldn't move? Couldn't breathe for the thought of getting out of bed and the idea of having to deal with the world terrified you?
Did you ever have to congratulate yourself on getting dressed? leaving the house?Getting through the morning/hour/afternoon/day/night?
What about sleep? Do you let your head hit the pillow and instantly think of everything that's happened that day and it just sends you into a panic about doing it all again day after day?
Has anyone ever asked you what you were thinking? Are you completely honest. Or are you so worked up that you simply say nothing even though the reality is you were just thinking about that person walking out of your life forever and you would certainly lose them forever if you told them that.
Sometimes that's what people need to do to function. They need those few things to just be human. To be there. Not present or engaged with the world. Just there. Part of existence.
Rebecca:
It's really hard to get out of bed. It's really challenging to get dressed. Its debilitating just attempting to walk out the door. To make it through the day is terrifying. To fall asleep and wake to yet another one of your nightmares is horrifying.
Exhaustion happens when you're highly strung, constantly in defence mode. When a social situation racks you with such panic that everything hurts because you know damn well no one wants to deal with a sad person. No one wants to see that. So you smile and you laugh and you fight with every fibre of your being to hide the panic attack you had that morning, the tears that wouldn't stop, to not let the heaviness sit on your shoulders.
When you're finally 'safe' where no one can see that exhaustion feels like you're swimming in the ocean and all of a sudden you've swam too far out, you can only see the water you are miles away from anything or anyone and your anchor is starting to drag you under. No matter how well you can swim and how much you kick and flail or scream, you'll eventually go under and no one would know...
I love to have fun, so when the clouds shift in balance I try to have fun, whether that's seeing a good movie, getting out in the sun, hanging with my family, or having a night out helps me feel better. Of course there's triggers that might set things off afterwards, but in those moments I'm back to my white fluffy warm clouded hugs.
Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier for me to just disappear, that I simply ceased to exist maybe that would fix things.
I've always thought my happiness (or false perception of it) would be my freedom, by being a good person and adoring my friends and family would bring me peace and would help to free me. The truth is I may never be free. My mind will continue to attack me forever probably.
The easiest (and hardest) way to explain this would be when my Toby boy was put down last year; For all we knew Toby wasn't suffering that much, but he never stopped loving us, greeting us with a wag or a cuddle. The day of the visit and ultimately the last day I'd have my doggy best friend it was clear that Toby was ready; Ready to be free, ready to leave,and ready to say goodbye. But it wasn't until the vet arrived and he was no longer in any pain, fast asleep in my arms. He was finally free to go. To beyond? to rainbow bridge? I don't know. He was free from having to make the choice to leave. But Only then did I see that my idea of freedom was not what I wanted...
To be free from pain. To be free of the darkness.
Now my dearest people reading this, please don't for one second think I'm going anywhere. Don't worry that I'll do something bad, I've had this darkness for long enough to know that I couldn't possibly EVER do that to the ones I love, as bad as it can be I will never chose to be free. I still have fight in me, and while it's still there I will fight. Sadly not enough people have the clouded armour I have and unfortunately freedom is the result. That idea is beyond last resort for me. It won't happen.
This blog was meant to be for me. It's a call for help. Its a call for life.
To the people reading who happen to be curious, or bored or whatever or those not sure;
A few tips:
Most of the time I can get by without the need for re-assurance, usually I can deal on my own, or easily hide the fact that while on the outside I'm smiling and happy- Inside I'm screaming.
But sometimes the I need most isn't a 'you'll be fine' 'Suck it up' or 'Cheer up'.
The thing I need is acceptance. Acceptance that yes right now I am not coping and its ok to be sad, its ok to ask for help. That is what I crave. I need my friends to back me not to help me fall, to let me do whatever I need to fix myself not to judge or ignore, and when I can't fix myself. I really need my friends to help me.
But I don't want to tell anyone this.
Why?
If people knew they would think I'm damaged in some way.
If I told someone what really was running through my head on a day to day basis, even minute to minute people would treat me like I'm broken or worse; That I'm contagious.
Truth is; I don't tell anyone because sometimes I can't believe that I am capable being 'functional'
I rarely admit that I don't think that I'll make it through the day, that keeping the 'happiness parade' up will ruin me.
This blog 'This world I live in' was always meant to be a place to write my thoughts, a place I could be honest and without fear of judgement. I have even managed to lie to this blog.
Yes 99% of my blog is me, that 1% that says I'm fine all the time isn't really fine at all.
The best way I can write about everything is to put it down to some easy terminology;
In my head I have clouds.
White fluffy, warm, light, pure, good, space invader type of clouds - I'm truly happy, everything's right with 'my world' nothing could taint it, loves hugs, lasts for a very long amount of time and can drive away almost all of the clouds.
Grey, a bit breezy, slightly heavy but tiny in size type of clouds, likes to try to make me grey - The typical 'I'm having a bad day' never lasts long, usually gets hugged out by the white clouds (My armour), Sometimes even the slightly heavy clouds will join forces with my armour to fight off the darkest of clouds.
Dark, cold, drowning, smothering, hostile, unwavering, world weighted, merciless, thundering clouds - All consuming, my functioning stops. Can last for as long as it feels because they've taken hostage of my armour. Will never fully destroy my armour though, they understand they don't exsist without the other, its a ledership battle only one will be victorious, but eventally someone else will win.
And the darkness. Its not a cloud, its not good. The darkness sucks out everything and leaves nothing.
Right now. My armour clouds are under attack.
The feelings or thoughts (or whatever else they are) brought by my clouds are usually clear.
I can tell when my white clouds are hugging every part of my soul. I can see when the grey clouds are moving in, I can see when they are gone.
The dark clouds can move without warning, they have a sneaky way of invading everything, its almost like they latch themselves onto the grey clouds and attack the white as my armour begins to hug away the grey. Its there the Dark starts taking over. My armour puts up a hell of a fight though. They've seen the damage before and they won't have it happen again, usually they find an upper hand to use to break free and spread the hugs.
The darkness hasn't gotten to do anything in a long time. It's on a war path that won't go away.
My armour white have teamed up with the grey and are trying desperately to get the dark to co-operate, but the darkness sucks everything away.
Hiding in my safe place, hiding with my eyes shut tight.
My triggers can be varied, or unexplained. I can't control what will set me off sometimes.
It can be a combination of a heap of things, it could be nothing at all.
The things people think about when it comes to sadness or that word that has floated around me for a number of years off and on... * Noted I don't like to admit my body and mind turn on me from time to time. That just gives it a name.*
People think of tears, self harm, sad moods.
What most don't actually realise is that yes these are some things that occur, but its the little things before all these that no one thinks about.
Have you ever woken up and wanted to stay in bed where its nice and warm?
You got up eventually though didn't you? There was a rational thought that made you get up and get on with your day.
Have you ever woken up and couldn't move? Couldn't breathe for the thought of getting out of bed and the idea of having to deal with the world terrified you?
Did you ever have to congratulate yourself on getting dressed? leaving the house?Getting through the morning/hour/afternoon/day/night?
What about sleep? Do you let your head hit the pillow and instantly think of everything that's happened that day and it just sends you into a panic about doing it all again day after day?
Has anyone ever asked you what you were thinking? Are you completely honest. Or are you so worked up that you simply say nothing even though the reality is you were just thinking about that person walking out of your life forever and you would certainly lose them forever if you told them that.
Sometimes that's what people need to do to function. They need those few things to just be human. To be there. Not present or engaged with the world. Just there. Part of existence.
Rebecca:
It's really hard to get out of bed. It's really challenging to get dressed. Its debilitating just attempting to walk out the door. To make it through the day is terrifying. To fall asleep and wake to yet another one of your nightmares is horrifying.
Exhaustion happens when you're highly strung, constantly in defence mode. When a social situation racks you with such panic that everything hurts because you know damn well no one wants to deal with a sad person. No one wants to see that. So you smile and you laugh and you fight with every fibre of your being to hide the panic attack you had that morning, the tears that wouldn't stop, to not let the heaviness sit on your shoulders.
When you're finally 'safe' where no one can see that exhaustion feels like you're swimming in the ocean and all of a sudden you've swam too far out, you can only see the water you are miles away from anything or anyone and your anchor is starting to drag you under. No matter how well you can swim and how much you kick and flail or scream, you'll eventually go under and no one would know...
I love to have fun, so when the clouds shift in balance I try to have fun, whether that's seeing a good movie, getting out in the sun, hanging with my family, or having a night out helps me feel better. Of course there's triggers that might set things off afterwards, but in those moments I'm back to my white fluffy warm clouded hugs.
Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier for me to just disappear, that I simply ceased to exist maybe that would fix things.
I've always thought my happiness (or false perception of it) would be my freedom, by being a good person and adoring my friends and family would bring me peace and would help to free me. The truth is I may never be free. My mind will continue to attack me forever probably.
The easiest (and hardest) way to explain this would be when my Toby boy was put down last year; For all we knew Toby wasn't suffering that much, but he never stopped loving us, greeting us with a wag or a cuddle. The day of the visit and ultimately the last day I'd have my doggy best friend it was clear that Toby was ready; Ready to be free, ready to leave,and ready to say goodbye. But it wasn't until the vet arrived and he was no longer in any pain, fast asleep in my arms. He was finally free to go. To beyond? to rainbow bridge? I don't know. He was free from having to make the choice to leave. But Only then did I see that my idea of freedom was not what I wanted...
To be free from pain. To be free of the darkness.
Now my dearest people reading this, please don't for one second think I'm going anywhere. Don't worry that I'll do something bad, I've had this darkness for long enough to know that I couldn't possibly EVER do that to the ones I love, as bad as it can be I will never chose to be free. I still have fight in me, and while it's still there I will fight. Sadly not enough people have the clouded armour I have and unfortunately freedom is the result. That idea is beyond last resort for me. It won't happen.
This blog was meant to be for me. It's a call for help. Its a call for life.
To the people reading who happen to be curious, or bored or whatever or those not sure;
A few tips:
Don’t:
|
Do:
|
Tell someone they’ll be
right.
You
mightn’t know how much they are struggling. In a world that rejects bad thoughts are often ignored. Maybe someone needs to be noticed.
|
I’ve noticed you’ve been a
bit down lately are you ok?
Thank
god. Someone actually noticed you aren’t coping
|
You’re over-reacting.
They
might be silently calling out for help
|
If you need me. Let me
know.
You
might have just stopped a person from feeling alone
|
Go out and enjoy the
sunshine.
Getting
out of bed mightn’t be an option today.
|
Let’s go out or do something!
Whatever you’d like to do.
Even
if it’s sitting around watching movies. Sometimes it’s the best medicine. Makes someone feel like they have someone to lean on
|
Cheer up. No one likes a
sad person.
Yeah
well no one likes being treated like they don’t matter
|
I don’t know what to say
or do to help you.
No
one expects you to have all the answers, but even just acknowledging that the
situation sucks, lets the person know someone is trying to help regardless
|
Ok this has gone on long
enough. Snap out of it.
Maybe
its time you started paying attention to your friends and relatives.
Making someone feel isolated or alone is the worst thing you can do to a person already starting to drown |
Ok. What can I do to help?
If
someone reaches out to you, offer to drive them to a doctor’s appointment.
Try to keep in touch with your friend. You might be the only thing stopping
someone.
|
Most of the time I can get by without the need for re-assurance, usually I can deal on my own, or easily hide the fact that while on the outside I'm smiling and happy- Inside I'm screaming.
But sometimes the I need most isn't a 'you'll be fine' 'Suck it up' or 'Cheer up'.
The thing I need is acceptance. Acceptance that yes right now I am not coping and its ok to be sad, its ok to ask for help. That is what I crave. I need my friends to back me not to help me fall, to let me do whatever I need to fix myself not to judge or ignore, and when I can't fix myself. I really need my friends to help me.
((Hugs))
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